Stuff and nonsense

Saw an Old Friend the other day.

It was great. I do superficial corridor conversations with finesse. But sit me down with a group of randoms for lunch and the facade falls apart at an exponential rate. Anyway, Old Friend does not imply an Old Friendship. No, most of the friendship gave up long ago. Everything was smooth sailing, until – BOOM! – gone for no particular reason (none I’m aware of), and you wonder if you dreamt up the whole thing in the first place. It makes me wonder how people can just cut you out of their lives as if you were no more than an overgrown toenail. Or a piece of unnecessary dead skin. How callus of them? a-haha…oh geez. Afterwards it’s the same questions: was it me? is there some part of me they find offensive? why?? and those niggling Dependant traits come to the fore.

It’s little wonder that these days I have a quiet calculator running in the back of my head: “Is the payoff worth it if I invest x amount of effort into this relationship?” I wish I didn’t have to think that way, but past experience has conditioned me to think in cost-benefit ratios. Well, I don’t necessary think that of all of them. And maybe that’s the true test – if I have to keep running equations then something probably is off-kilter.

There’s a Crowded song and Neil sings “when friends come round you might remember and be sad/ behind their eyes is unfamiliar”.

Sometimes I feel surrounded by strangers.