Presenting complaints
Racing up the freeway with the pedal pressed to the floor during a well-established night where most others are getting ready for bed, the following lyrics come to me like some sort of funny sadistic mantra. (taken out of context obviously)
Emergency
I think I’m falling apart
Emergency
I think I am losing the fight
And I don’t know if I can do it
I don’t know if I can try
To get the full effect, one must sing it Rock God style: e-MERRRRRRR-gen-cee!
Other than the fact that I detest, in principle, the Eskimo album from which it originates – who the hell puts nearly the entire album in D minor? – I toy with the idea of bursting out into song in front of patients, particularly when they come in with the following true and individual complaints that I’d like to share with you all, if only to remind us of the absurdity of the human race:
- “I took an ecstasy tablet 7 hours ago, and now I’m anxious”
- “My arm felt heavy”
- “I’ve never seen my 19yo daughter like this, is this normal? …btw, she’s had 15 vodka shooters tonight”
- “I’ve got urinary retention…er yes, I did go to the toilet half an hour ago”
- “My nephew’s knee needs to be drained! You can’t refuse us treatment!” (knee obviously does not need emergency treatment)
- “I couldn’t sleep because my heart races…which I’ve had for 3 months” (How is this an emergency?)
- “I called the ambulance because…well, I have bunions”
- “I have pins and needles, then they take over my head and I can’t think!”
- “I want to see the psych nurse. NOW.” Patient has breath alcohol at least 3 times legal limit
- “Please, doctor, will you help me”…what a superfluous comment, do they think that asking me will miraculously change my mind? Did they think I was going to do shit-all in the first place?
…and mentions to all the ungrateful, intoxicated, self-righteous idiots +/- their relatives who make it all worthwhile that I owe a >$36000 debt to the government.
Due to a nasty twist of fate, probably contrived against me (c’mon I-Chucked-A-Sickie-For-Four-Nights-Intern, call me up and prove me wrong, I still have hope that maybe you are truly on your deathbed and not just holidaying overseas?) I had to do more than my share of nights and am feeling a tad-ish bitter.
I suppose I should mention that Emergency was actually a well-supported term, I had great teachers, I got a lot of baking done, I finally overcame my inability to take blood, blah blah blah, fuck it, I’m dead tired and am certainly looking forward to a weekend filled with bike rides, gardening, reading, eating and generally making the Pain Go the Fuck Away.
Well, it could’ve been worse. I could’ve been at Charlie’s, haha.
